We all want to look good, don’t we? And quite a lot of us, let’s be honest, want to look better than we do now. But how do you know when you’re good enough? What’s the point where you take a step back, look right in the mirror and think, “Yes, I’ve made it, I’m done, it can get no better than this?” For a lot of us, the answer lies somewhere around our middle. Oh, sure, pecs and biceps are all well and good, but anyone can get a half-decent set of those if they glue themselves to a dumbbell for long enough. Thighs? Oh, please – half an hour on a bike for a couple of weeks and BOOM there they are. No, it’s the belly fat. The abs, the washboard, the rack, the dreaded six-pack, not to be confused with its much more fun cousin of the same name that gets you pissed.
Rock-hard abs. Everyone seems to have them. Well, almost everyone. I distinctly remember a time when a six-pack was the prized possession of an ultra-toned minority. They belonged only to Arnold Schwarzenegger, Olympic athletes and the men in the volleyball scene in Top Gun. The nearest you’d get to seeing one in real life would be on a super-skinny six-year-old in the swimming baths or that one worker on the building site who didn’t drink beer and spent all day swinging about on the scaffolding like the monkey from the Coco Pops adverts.
Now? Boom. Everywhere. It’s not just the Hollywood A-list, with their clutch of personal trainers, expert dietitians, adoring fans and hectoring celebrity magazines encouraging them to stay trim, who have washboard abs – they’ve crept into all corners of modern life. Even stars on soap operas, which used to be the last guaranteed place an ugly actor with a paunch could get work until fairly recently, are now all strutting round as buff as you like. Head to the gym for another punishing workout to make up for all the Chablis you quaffed at the weekend and there they are. For every guy trying to work off his belly there’s a glistening, chiselled set of abs right next to him, making it look easy. How do they do it?
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But of course it isn’t easy, unless you’re pretty young and have never so much as even been introduced to your body fat. For most of us whose metabolism has slowed to a crawl, a six-pack is either a far-off fantasy we’ve resolved to live without or something we’re determined to get our hands on, even if we die in the process.
The main barrier is time. There are no cheats, no shortcuts to getting abs. The miserable truth is, you don’t even "get" them at all – they’re already there, waiting, taunting, sitting tight under that roll of… well, let’s call it “comfort”. Forget crunches or sit-ups or, as one guy I knew used to do, tensing them as you sneeze to make them more defined. If you really want to expose that rock-hard rack, you have to lose body fat. We’re talking intense, full-body workouts and waving goodbye to almost any food you may have considered being in any way fun or enjoyable. Alcohol? Ha, enjoy your one vodka and soda water a MONTH. And where are you going to get all this time from? Ryan Gosling and Zac Efron have months between movies, and five-hour training sessions to whip their bodies into shape. How do the guys in the gym do it? Well, it’s safe to assume they’re not sitting on the sofa or nipping out to the pub of an evening; they’re working on this thing day in, day out – is it worth ditching your social life, or your precious nights in, just so you can bounce a tennis ball on your tummy?
The thing to ask yourself as you peer down at where your six-pack should be is whether you really need one. When you have one what will you actually do with it? We use our abdominal muscles in almost every movement we do, but their visibility isn’t really useful. Are you doing this for you, as a test of your might and endurance? Well, cool, but remember abs are no sign of brute strength. We all have abdominals; it’s just that pesky fat getting in the way. Got some crop tops in your wardrobe you’re just dying to wear? Prone to whipping your T-shirt off on the dance floor at birthday parties? First of all, don’t be that guy.
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If you want one for yourself, as a sign of how hard you’re working out, then OK, whatever, but if you’re doing it for someone else, to impress others – is it even worth it? Broad shoulders and biceps and decent pecs – your “T-shirt muscles” – they’re understandable. Toning up here makes most clothes look better on you, and people are going to see this definition, especially if you wear your work shirts two sizes too small like every man on my morning commute does. But a six-pack? How many beach holidays can one man take in a year? Or are you going to show it off strutting up and down in the local pool? Nobody cares.
Don’t forget the toll it might have on the rest of your body too. If you’re losing body fat to make them show, you’ll be losing that from everywhere – no point having beautiful abs when your gaunt face and protruding collarbone is what everyone's really looking at.
Do you want to feel sexier? Been watching a few porn movies and got some serious body - and hookup potential - inspiration? There’s something quite clinical about a defined six-pack. They can appear too perfect and precise, like they were created in a lab. And, unlike almost every other body part, once you’ve seen and touched one, there’s very little mystery left. What’s exciting about the human body is how they vary wildly from person to person. Lumps and bumps and freckles all make you more “real”. Obviously, if you have a great big darts’ player’s belly hanging over your jeans, that might be a bit too real for some of us, but aiming for a smaller tummy, rather than shredding it out of existence, may well be a sexier look in the end. Being more comfortable in your own skin, and having a few quirks and, well, OK, let’s be honest, imperfections for potential lovers to discover is a much more exciting prospect. It’s like chain pubs or coffee shops – they look the same the world over, no surprises there. Wouldn’t you rather your body was an artisanal one-off?
I’ve had to get real. I exercise and I eat well, but I’m never going to have a body you can put on the cover of GQ. And that’s fine, because, well, most of us don’t get to be on the cover of GQ. That’s how it works. I want to have fun, have the odd binge on food I shouldn’t or boozy blowout without feeling I have to do three hours’ training the next day. You could get run over by a bus tomorrow – and no matter how firm those abs are, you're dead. Having a good body can make you feel sexy and look it to others, no perfect rack is going to save you if you don’t have the perfectly toned personality to match. And upping the charisma stakes is one workout you’ll never regret. Drop and give them 20 jokes, and they’ll love you forever, no matter how many notches out you are on your belt. Just breathe in – they’ll never know. By the time the T-shirt finally comes up, they’ll be too blown away by your mind to care.
Maybe.
